so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
