you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
