Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
