I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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