Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
