does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
