I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
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I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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