Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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