If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
