U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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