Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
