Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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