Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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