So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
