Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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