Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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