My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Found your dick twin last night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
