Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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