You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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