I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
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I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
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Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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