Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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