I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
