Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
