i need an iv and a liver transplant
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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