my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
