Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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