Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
