apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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