tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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