I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
