I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
