also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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