youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
