Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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