you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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