There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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