So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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