When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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