I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
