That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
So. Much. Porn.
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