My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
