just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
