I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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