Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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