just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize