there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
