dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
