I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
