So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
