I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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