i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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