I could make wine with my vomit
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
