if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
